L’avarice – Comfortably Numb (Pink Floyd)

L’avarice. De mes mots. De mes émotions. Que je garde pour moi. Que je tente de conserver là où ils sont à l’abri. Au cœur de mon âme. Parce que leur expression est toujours dégradée, ne rend jamais l’intégrale intensité et densité de ce qui se joue en moi. Au diable l’avarice. Je vous la livre. La liste. Celle que j’ai couché sur papier deux jours après cette terrible nuit aux urgences, et deux jours avant de retourner volontairement à l’hôpital. Pour mourir. Seul. Parce que je ne voulais pas mourir seul chez moi. Une liste écrite au cœur du cyclone final. Dans un instant de calme, assis à mon bureau, ma tension interne enfin redescendue légèrement. Juste ce qu’il fallait pour poser les choses. Pour tout écrire, tout résumer. Dans une liste. De dix-neuf femmes. Patiemment constituée. Une liste enfin écrite. Pour expier ma faute. Elodie n’y est pas.

Ze list

The list, then, up to now, hoping I won’t have to relive « end of the world/agnus dei » session

#1 : Hélène Grimaud

Called her Gradenko because of The Police song in Synchronicity

Called her also Mendeleev and Sakharov

Thought she was daughter of Bruno Masure and Macha Méril

Saw a woman at the tobacconist Friday I thought looked like the mother of her I had seen in Aix, much younger

Has been there nearly all the time down from this TV show in November 2003

Liked her most on the back picture of Réflexions. Still don’t see why not her only. Yet feels like I want more. Hope she was chosen, if chosen, when talented to play piano, not before.

#2 : Anna Mouglalis

Called her Mastroianni

Thought her mother was Jeanne Moreau, because of her voice

Changed my mind cause I know Esther I thought could be daughter of Jeanne Moreau and Michel Serrault, leading me to a colleague being Esther daughter, along with a Clémence looking like Moksha

Found her starting from Andy Warhol, through Lou Reed & John Cale Songs for Drella, having a Valerie Solanis on the way and a Valeria I also called Mastroianni

Seen her on Saturday on a poster on the newspaper kiosk nearest to my place, before the abrupt way down into hell. May have seen her younger in a bar close to La Pitié Salpêtrière. Remember only her and her name from that movie I saw long ago.

Appreciated the “Ben voilà”, helped me through some of it, that slight bit of rage, controlled but present. Ended up also with two Monica Bellucci, because of that, and a little bit more rage in a “Caro ...” at Vivement Dimanche

#3 : Nastassja Kinski

Seen her in Tess, supposed to have been shot in 1979.

Thought it was possible, as I already thought loads of things were. Had loved her in Paris, Texas.

Seen her crossing my path on the sidewalk, on my way down to the hospital.

Did not recognize her, just thought she was great yet normal. Wrote down in my head just after that how she was dressed. Should not have been perfect, the “dressed like that” description, unless something I don’t understand goes on and on.

Saw her mother maybe at the hospital, after I talked to Anna in my mind. Took me a long thinking to write that down in my head. She looks a bit like Elodie.

#4 : Björk

Thought I had said where to find her, North of Norway, daughter of a Gudmund and a Selma maybe.

Thought everything was against her being in that list, yet always ended up sticking to it. Still don’t know if the boy story is true or not. Don’t mind any sense of that.

Wondered what could be the key to her being in, thought it would be that night over 10 years ago, going to sleep with Elodie, at a friend’s place, with Lola around, listening to the Debut album. Love that picture.

Yet the difference may have been made by the Triumph of a heart video I watched. The road-movie like

Or by Emily Loizeau track #8 called Je suis jalouse, I played when she was 8 and I was wondering if 7 was not the limit.

Thought the world ended when a Japanese taxi driver looked happy with me talking her and American Indians. Was three days ago.

#5 : Daphné Roulier

Called her Mabel Lescure, on a big screen maybe, during a Michel Petrucciani concert, thought later Mabel was her sister and was the one sitting next to Antoine de Caunes at the Césars ceremony.

Been alone in my mind with her a few times in September. Thought she had to be the one walking up those stairs near Saint Maximin. Thought later it would have to be Anna. Thought they were sisters.

Tried to have her Greek because of that last page on Libération. Maybe because I wanted to believe she was waiting for someone.

Seen her once, at a restaurant near Canal+, when having lunch with an ex-colleague.

Thought she was the one when watching her on TV with Elodie coming in and putting next to me a single flower in a vase.

#6 : Silvana DeLuigi

Thought she was the most impossible. Thought it was possible yet, when watching those pictures on her album. Thought Luis could be her father. Called him Luis Peron, and her Soledad Peron. Had a Soledad as my counterpart for that dialog in Pumpkin. Seen someone like her, in a bar. Thought later it could have been Madeleine Stowe. Said she might be with Brad Pitt, Madeleine I mean. Because of 12 Monkeys, by Terry Gilliam.

Had maybe my best resurrection dream session on her album. 

#7 : Neneh Cherry

She is truly impossible. Never thought about it until very recently. Tried to refuse it. Said she should be with Prince. Liked her most when I thought it was possible and saw her on that Woman single CD. The one I played and had nearly never listened to. Thought she was in balance with the Cocaina poster girl. Move with me and Kootchi were critical in this. One to drive me forward, the other to make me think it was possible.

#8 : Elke “Picture Love” xxx

Less and less to say about each one. Thought she was Dieter’s daughter. Thought two others worked at ..., yet maybe half sisters only. Called her ” picture love”. Fell on my ass on the floor when watching this picture again, in the middle of the night, in my flat. Tried to differentiate her from everyone you could have put in balance. Led me to call Vanessa Anna Gavalda, also because of a Véronique having that book in the lift here.  And to write down we should keep Marguerite Yourcenar and Claudia Schiffer. Thought she was Pablo’s girlfriend.

#9 : Fiona Apple

Came in as another unexpected missile during that concert, April 10^th in Paris, les Folies Bergère. Looked for her in every girl until I came back to Tidal pictures. Thought later  Maddalena was the one on stage, because she said she would sing a song from “the other woman”.

Thought she would be daughter of John Cale and Nico. Seen Nico on the way to the hospital, after a younger Anna and before Nastassja’s mother. Was more like a reflex recognition if you want to know. Like being there at the right moment for this to happen, because my thoughts are at the right point of progress.

Listened to Get him back. Strangely led me to impossibility of getting me back and need to erase me from everyone’s memory progressively, to shut down the part of the world I was in, with all the ones I had selected to stay there, without knowing it really.

Shadowboxer also was critical. In November 2003.

#10 : Anoushka Shankar

Came in while I was walking to the Tuileries wondering if there was another one beyond the 9 bells I had. Said it should be an Indian one and that I knew none. Then thought she was the only one I knew, had seen her live in Paris with Ravi Shankar. Thought she was the one talking to a younger Christophe Dechavanne in that bar. Finally called this one Gandhi, and got back to Anoushka on that list. 

#11 : Hafdis Huld

Sometimes think I chose her, the Hulds in fact. Keep hoping it is not the reason why she is there, at least not the only one. Kept having her changing form in my mind. Like somewhat what I saw or that picture on GusGus single. Polyesterday I think, not sure. Missed her for Royksöpp singer. Have both in now. She’s higher in the list. Thought someone like Anna was her. Felt strangely then. Shook like mad when I chose between her and Björk too. Seen her live twice, in Paris and then in Luxemburg. Could not remember her name when it was “sent” to me, yet had remembered it before, when François asked. David was key to have her back.

#12 : Janine de Baecque

Thought she was daughter of someone here. Thought I talked to him in the past saying I would take her. Loved that picture I placed on Michael Franti saying lovely. Have found others around. Did not make it previously on the list although having been there for a long time, because I wanted her to remember of me, and I did not feel though like merging her with a Fabienne I loved when I was twenty. Thought Fabienne was the one I lunched with in September, talking about calling her Elle. Was my best missile. Had a long issue with her boyfriend, then thought ok. Ended up with 2 others plus Fab.

#13 : Marie Drucker

Made me cut back down when I reached 20. Thinking she would be the twentieth. Called her like me. Thought recently you defined her as my perfect opposite. Hated her being here in that list for that. Can’t find anything to say beyond technical or logical things. Yet as for others, thinking I’m trying to be true. Hope I did not touch a Laurent. Will try to explain why, linked to end of February session at la Voix des Contes, don’t remember exactly how I made the link.

#14 : Véronique

Called her lots of names on the way, her name, Antoine’s name, Jaouen, Clément. Thought I would keep at least 4, maybe six looking so similar yet different. Has a voice very close to my cousin’s. Looked for a philosopher to be Isabelle Huppert’s husband. Thought Elisabeth Huppert was the one married with my uncle. The one that looks like Michel Denisot. Thought another “Véronique” could be daughter of Ariane Massenet. Cause I thought Ariane Massenet would be another Ariane I met long ago. Entered #14 as Véronique. Called her best of the “possible ones”. Second in fact, after Janine. Have seen yesterday in Le Monde Télévision put on Elodie’s desk at home talking about a Caroline Huppert.

#15 : Donna Tartt

Thought she was Fiona Apple in the Tuileries. Loved her 20m away, hated not liking her face at close distance. Thought she was the young one on Saint-Amour terrace while I was talking to Fanny. Tried to talk to her. She looked frightened when leaving. Refused to read back more than first sentence of each of her two books. Thought I had seen Don DeLillo in that bar and that she could have somewhat studied with him. Thought I saw her parents in the Tuileries later. Called her and Fiona Sabatini, ended up with an Emilia Sabatini as sister of Gabriela. Said don’t touch to the Sabatinis after that. Another Sabatini is not necessarily linked to that loop, deal with him being at the crossroads of many links. Saul Williams will be the connexion. Long talk about content, will ask in the end if he has seen Saul Williams there.

#16 : Maddalena

She’s probably my best friend, yet I feel I missed a lot on the way. Led me to many while refusing her. Don’t really know what having her now here means. Except I said she could have been Elodie maybe. Even thought she could be Anna Gavalda. In my thoughts, of course.

#17 : The voice of Three

Said to a black girl in that bar, the Bar, that she could be the voice of Massive Attack. Call the one on the list the voice of Three  to make sure no one is in balance with her. Don’t know what she looks like. Just know that this song was critical until you made me think three was not enough. Worried to listen to that track now for you to cut at three in the last ranking. Would be Hélène, Anna and Nastassja then.

#18 : Royksöpp singer

Thought she was an Hafdis Huld ending up looking like Juliette because of me. Thought it was her voice I stabilized on that Miss Kittin live at Sonar CD. Thought I could not have a voice only in. Yet #17 is. Got her back to make sure Hafdis exists. Had Hafdis again on this list since then, upper than her. Maybe the ones I called Hafdis sisters are her sisters. Cannot know for sure. What else is there? was also critical in different ways. One was what’s next to find. The other one was “I just was given one week”. Kept me thinking it was last week.

#19 : Emmanuelle Béart

Got in while Patrick Sébastien was saying look at this one loop, it will be great. Was “great”, smoothly painful enough for me. Stayed in or rather came back because of that face of someone else in the train back from that “skiing session”. Thought it was her looking through at something I was doing. Got Montand back from that, through Jean de Florette and Manon des Sources. Was perfect in front of Daphné. 

A square 19. Would mean 19 girls, with 19 nights each, and 4 or 5 nights alone left. 20 would mean 18 nights, another inflexion point down. Marie cut me at 20, she’s thirteen now.

Ze list, donc. Dix-neuf, auxquelles j’ajouterai Veselka à l’hôpital. Pour obtenir un carré. Vingt noms. Vingt morceaux de musique. Elles sont l’empreinte indélébile de ces trois années, le résultat final avant la chute libre. Elles et toutes celles qui sont passées dans cette liste ou qui l’ont frôlée. Une bonne quarantaine ou cinquantaine. Traversant les franges de ma folie intérieure. Involontairement. Je n’ai jamais lâché cette liste. A personne. Trop peur. De l’incroyable et pathétique ridicule qui lui est associé. Maintenant c’est fait. Avec ces explications fragmentaires probablement impossibles à suivre sans avoir fait le même chemin que moi. Je peux revenir à la vie confortable. Au brouillard qui m’attend. Sans liste. Sans espoir démesuré de changement. Comfortably Numb.

Come on, now.

I hear you're feeling down.

Well I can ease your pain,

Get you on your feet again.

Relax.

I need some information first.

Just the basic facts,

Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.

A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.

You are only coming through in waves.

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.

When I was a child I had a fever.

My hands felt just like two balloons.

Now I got that feeling once again.

I can't explain, you would not understand.

This is not how I am.

I have become comfortably numb.

Merci à tous ceux qui m’ont lu jusqu’ici. Pause pour les fêtes. On verra par la suite.